I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
