I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
