i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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