Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
