I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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