he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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