I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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