nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we're making bets on your personal life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
