So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
