youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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