McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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