Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
