Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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