I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
