There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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