i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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