I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
