I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
