Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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