cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
