your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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