Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If I die, sorry about rent.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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