Define "chronic" masturbator.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
