YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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