Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
