I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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