I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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