just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
