Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
