So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
