At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
