between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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