Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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