I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
