You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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