Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want a musical about memes.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
