she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
