the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
