I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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