Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
