That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
