im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Randomize
