i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The power of my boobs compel you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
