Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
