Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
