he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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