At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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