Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
