I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
