oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
