I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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